I grew up without the knowledge of or ever seeing the face of my mother who gave me birth. I am adopted twice, more on that later. With adoption comes a litany of challenges such as attachment disorders, and identity challenges. I encountered all of these but had no idea what they were and why I was acting the way I was. I would be afraid of being abandoned but didn’t know that was fueling my desire to break the rules to get attention. An intense fire raged inside of me for as long as I can remember, a fire to break stuff, or break me, sometimes resulting in both being accomplished. I can now see what was going on back then that fueled my fire. It was and is anger. I grew up angry but didn’t know it. My anger was directed mostly at myself. I just thought everyone was angry at themselves, now as I am older I know different.
We all do possess varying degrees of anger, however, my anger was white-hot, at me. White-hot means that when I made the smallest of errors I would blowtorch myself into a pile of ash. I first noticed this consciously while playing sports. Whenever I would make a mistake I would go ballistic on myself, internally raging and criticizing. Golf was no fun because when I missed a shot I would throw my clubs, especially after countless hours of practice and lessons. I realized that my life was being lived much the same way, where I would actually live it in an effort to NOT mess up vs daring greatly. There were plenty of mistakes because one can’t live life without them. My mistakes however became translated into a shameful symphony of self-hate and a blow torch internal rage. This is probably a huge surprise to those who know me because I am seen as a calm person who doesn’t let much bother him. Nothing could be further from the truth. I channeled this fire into perfectionistic efforts to accomplish tasks without error. When there were errors I would translate them into the belief that I am the error. NONE of this was conscious to me until recently and I am in my late 40s. I have lived an entire lifetime not really knowing why I was so angry.
The only reason I am not dead or in prison is that God pursued me. You read that right, He sent the hounds of heaven to chase me. I came to realize that before I was born God loved me and had a plan for my life. God used people and circumstances to draw me to himself. More than anything He used the love and acceptance of some dear friends who genuinely cared for me to stoke the fire of God’s love in my heart. My heart by the way was a punching bag of anger, resentment, and abandonment spurred on by an unconscious awareness of being rejected by my birth mother. A personal growing relationship with the Jesus of the bible is the ONLY thing that saved me from me.
What about you? Maybe you weren’t adopted nor rejected by a birth parent. Maybe you walked through a messed up childhood where there was constant fighting in the home, or alcohol was a demonic force that drove your parents apart, or maybe you were physically mistreated in some way that left you with gaping wounds that nobody sees. First of all, I say with as much sincerity as can be mustered from a keyboard…..I’m so sorry. My heart aches for what was done to you. Don’t tune out if you weren’t abused, maybe you have an internal critic that uses your heart as a punching bag. You could be a pastor of a megachurch, a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, or a welder at the manufacturing plant. All of this to say we breathe the same air, just some of us have varying levels of anger and or criticism inside. May I offer you a cool glass of water to quench your parched thirst?
God sent me to pursue you. You are loved by God unconditionally. What you need to know is that an invitation exists for you to begin a new life walking with HIM in ways yet to be discovered. Here are a few simple facts, number one you aren’t perfect neither am I. In order for us to have a relationship with God, we have to be perfect. That’s the bad news. The good news is that Jesus was and is perfect. He came to trade places with you so you can live and not die. He died while living perfectly so you wouldn’t have to live perfectly, in other words, an offer stands for you.
If you will state this out loud: God I know my life is broken – I believe Jesus came to live, die, and was raised from the dead – to rescue me from my sin. Forgive me, I turn from my ways and put my trust in You.
The Bible says “For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:13
Anytime someone prays this or says this out loud, I imagine heaven breaking out into a song with dancing. You have begun the coolest race on this planet. If I’m being honest, life doesn’t all of a sudden magically get easier, it gets purposeful.
- Download the bible app on your phone, it’s free.
- Choose a simple plan and begin to read or listen to it.
- Pray simply.
- Message me back if you chose to follow through with this prayer.
Imagine your life, one that is completely forgiven of everything you have ever done wrong. How does it feel to be clean, really clean? You have the wisdom of the God of the universe at your disposal to consult at any time anywhere, just ask Him through simple prayers. Some of the easiest ways I talk to Him is through typing a question and waiting for an answer. Just because you are clean doesn’t mean your mind will let go of all the bad things you have ever done. We have to come to God regularly to wash off the muck and grime.
My life is now 30 years into a relationship with God, one thing I will tell you is the growth happens slowly over time like water cutting through rocks. I am a little bit better and a tad bit wiser now so my encouragement to you is this, allow God to love you, allow others to love you in healthy ways, and start living with a huge smile. The world awaits your offering!